I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
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