Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
