apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
