My first STD was from a foam party
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
