the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
