A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
