When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
