Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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