I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
