he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
