I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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