My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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