I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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