They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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