Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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