i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
