I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
