all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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