I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
