Where did you get a picture of my penis
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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