Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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