He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
We got so high we made milksteak
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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