I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
