I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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