she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
