I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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