She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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