I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Two words: nipple clamps
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