I wish I could teleport
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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