remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
