I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I need water and some morals
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
