Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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