Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
