Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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