god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
