We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
