at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
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