Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
