i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
We smell like vodka and hangover
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