Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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