If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
