my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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