It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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