hotel room ftw
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
