if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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