You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
