WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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