I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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