So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I feel like abortions should bother me more
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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