This is not my ceiling
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
