I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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